There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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