I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
