You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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