HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
