Someone shit on the floor
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
