peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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