the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My vagina just recognized that song.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
