and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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