I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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