my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
