i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
