Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
