Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
