neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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