Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
