The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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