You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You took a bar mat shot.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
