I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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