Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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