i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
