I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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