I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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