I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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