Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
