you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
