if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
