Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
