Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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