How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
