U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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