I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
