Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
