I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I still have a little drunk in my system
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
