Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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