She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I could fuck to npr.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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