I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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