it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
