we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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