i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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