I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
