he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
