Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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