i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
