So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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