Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
