If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
