If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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