dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
