The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
