I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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